THE WHOLE REASON
I SEND OUT THIS SHIT IS TO:
1. MAKE YOU REALIZE THAT AM THE
GREATEST PRANK CALL ARTIST OF HISTORY
AS CAN WE WITNESSED AT
WWW.LIQUORED-UP.COM
2. TO
DEFECT QUESTIONS LIKE, "ARE GUYS STILL JAMMING?"
SEE WHAT DICK
DELICIOUS IS UP TO AT WWW.DICKD.COM
VISIT:
http://www.liquored-up.com and http://www.dickd.com
today!!
IN THIS ISSUE:
1. 10 YEARS OF DICK DELICIOUS: What a long lame trip it’s been.
2. THE GIANT NASHVILLE PUSSY WORD TOUR: Talkin’ about the road.
3. IT’S A SIMPLE EQUATION – DRUGS = TERRORISM: I prove it’s true.
4. CALL OUR FUCKING MANAGER: An impassioned plea for some professional help.
I HELPED FUND INT'L TERRORISM T-SHIRT
IF YOU CAN'T SEE ALL OF THE PRETTY PICTURES, READ THIS ONLINE AT:
http://www.dickd.com/editorial1.htm
IT’S COMING: 10 YEARS OF DICK DELICIOUS
This summer, in July of 2002, it’s official – Dick Delicious has been together for 10 years. 10 years, 3 CDs, countless drummers, hundreds of gigs, groupies and kilos of illicit substances later, it seems like just yesterday when Dick Delicious was formed in the summer of 1992 by Hugh G Rection and myself. Our big “Decade of Dick Delicious” party will be held at our headquarters of 9 Lives Saloon in Atlanta, GA on Friday July 26th. There will be a free keg of beer.
THE GIANT NASHVILLE PUSSY WORLD TOUR
We would like to thank Nashville Pussy for giving us some dates on their
latest US tour! After doing that shit, we cannot go back to are usual punk rock
DIY bullshit. A typical day on a mega rock tour like that would go something
like this…
11:34 AM Wake up
at the Four Seasons hotel, kick last nights supermodel turned band groupie, out
of bed.
12:15 PM Call room
service, order $243 breakfast with bottle of Crystal.
12:35 PM Snort
cocaine.
1:30 PM Meet rest of band at private jet. Argue over who gets to sit in front.
1:33 PM Quit band over seating arrangements.
1:36 PM Re-join band and snort cocaine to make up.
2:46 PM Get picked up on jetway by
limo.
3:01 PM Snort cocaine in limo.
4:01 PM Are guests of honor at giant autograph signing
at local Blockbuster. Attended by numerous nubile high school
sluts.
4:26 PM Deny allegations about sexual contact with said nubile high school sluts to local authorities. Call R Kelly's lawyer.
5:12 PM Show up
for sound check only to find Katie Holmes, The Guess Girl, and the Olsen twin
changing our guitar strings while
patiently waiting our arrival.
5:13 PM At site of
scene depicted in 5:12PM, dick becomes so hard it bursts through pants and
causes new East Coat Fault line and power outages.
5: 14-6:30 PM Use
you imagination.
6:34 PM Snort
cocaine with Olsen Twins
7:34 PM Flawless
sound check.
9:30 PM Lines
surround civic center in anticipation of tonight’s Rock n’ Roll show. Ticket
being scalped on Ebay for deeds to houses and car
titles.
9:56 PM Prepare
for gig by snorting more cocaine.
10:00 PM Dick D
hits stage with a show that can be best described as “The Best Show You Ever
Saw”. 4 die in most pit, 2 guitar players commit suicide after being blinded by
Dicks guitar prowess, several female fan’s drown in own
quim.
NOW PM Dick comes back to reality, and tells you what REALLY happened. The tour was really awesome for us – good crowds pretty much every night, we REALLY GOT sounds checks, the was always plenty of ICE COLD DELICIOUS REFRESHING BEER backstage, deli trays full of carrot sticks backstage, I SAID DELI TRAYS FULL OF FUCKING CARROT STICKS GOD DAMNIT - WITH DRESSING (SUCH FUCKING OPULENCE!!), we always got paid cause the club owners signed “CONTRACTS” that guaranteed us $250 - damn, now there's a novelty. I’ll tell you we never had it so good – and the fact that we got to do this, has nothing to do with the fact that Nashville Pussy's drummer is my roommate, nothing I tell you! THANKS NASHVILLE PUSSY!
See if we are playing near
you:
http://www.dickd.com/tour.html
WE NEED SOME FUCKING MANAGEMENT!!
After missing 2 recent shows – one in Panama City and another in Tampa Florida only because WE FORGOT TO PLAY THEM…it’s has become painfully obvious that we need a fucking manager. Have you ever been a pimp, managed a fast food joint, or just like telling other people that you are involved in the music industry just as a way to get more pussy? Then you probably have the qualifications to be our manager. Just kidding – e-mail me at jayq@attbi.com if you think you are interested.
Is this you?
E-mail me: jayq@mediaone.com
IT’S A SIMPLE EQUATION: DRUGS =
TERRORISM
This is a little different from
my usual rants – a prefer to call it SCATHING SOCIAL
COMMENTARY. Really, I only include this because I called it a long,
long time ago – I knew this was happening – and this is just more proof it’s not
ALWAYS good to be right!
“We must rout out and destroy all of the terrorist training camps…blah, blah, blah” was the mantra of defiant President George Bush against all knucklehead, wannabe, suicide bombers everywhere! “We must cut these terrorists off wherever they will train…blah, blah, blah…” – well we might not be liking some of the places that they are training and we will be bombing….WHY? BECAUSE WE’LL BE BOMBING OURSELVES – WE BUILD A NEW ONE EVERY TIME WE BUILD A PRISON!
You’ve seen the anti drug jargon, some kid smoking a joint, all cute, saying, ”Today I helped hijack a plane and fly it into a building…”, “Today I plotted to kill 100 million people just for the sheer pleasure of it…”, “Today I took a hit of X and baked up a fresh batch of small pox so the world's population will die by tremendous life sucking boils on their skin…” - somehow in a desperate attempt to correlate a link between drugs and terrorism. You know where drugs get you, right? JAILS, INSTITUTIONS, AND DEATH! But, let’s focus on the jails…do you know what prison really is? THE BEST, MOST WELL OILED TERRORIST TRAINING CAMP IN THE WORLD…and you, my tax paying Americans, are footing the bill for it.
The whole – “Drugs = Terrorism” has always seemed like a really, really long stretch to me. Even the stupidest, brainwashed, propaganda zombie can see that. I’ve done drugs my whole life, and never once consider a career in terror. I’ve smoked pot and gotten the munchies. Taken acid and laughed till my throat hurt. I done rolls and liked people I normally wouldn’t even care for. I never robbed anyone, EVEN WHEN I RAN OUT! You know, come to think of it – the evilest thoughts I’ve ever had were on Alcohol – AND THAT’S LEGAL – DAMN! But somehow, my financial contribution to the consumer end of the dope game means that I MUST stay awake nights working on my dirty bomb??!! Hell no! Personally I wish these towelheads would chill the fuck out!! I wish everybody would!
I case that AntiDrug commercial didn’t make it obvious enough, I’ll show you that you don’t need to fold up a 20$ bill to see the obvious connection between drugs and terrorism. Here is a startling graphic illustration that I made to illustrate exactly how it all works:
The only time I’ve had antisocial thoughts of such a magnitude is when this one time I DID GET CAUGHT WITH SOME DRUGS and bunch of UPTIGHT, ANTIDRUG, PROFIT MONGER ZOMIES decided I HAD TO PAY and SENT ME TO PRISON! I tell you, while I was locked up for some stupid minor drug offense; I sure as hell had some seriously unpatriotic anti-governmental thoughts. Now we find out “the Dirty Bomb Guy” was recruited to Alqueda while in jail. Well, duh? I saw that one coming a long time ago, and I’ve done drugs – a lot of them – SO I AM NOT THE SHARPEST PENCIL IN THE BOX!
See, to be able recruit someone to be that much of an asshole, you must rely on certain conditions which you will find are FOR SURE most prevalent in this nation’s correctional facilities. Here are some of terrorism’s #1 job qualifications:
1.
MUST HAVE AN INCLINATION TOWARD A LIFE OF CRIME...duh?
2.
MUST HAVE AN INTENSE HATRED FOR AMERICAN GOVERNMENT AND SOCIETY: At the
risk of sounding redundant…well duh? It’s where society sends its failures. Why
bother to try to work your way back into the club that just put you on time out
when…YOU CAN JUST KILL THEM!!
3.
MUST BE SEEKING RELIGION: There will never be seen such an upstanding
group of loyal churchgoers as what can be seen behind the prison walls. EVERYONE
finds God up in that bitch. Christ lord, they do…if you can find Jesus, can’t you just as easily, find Allah? Of course you can. All of there
Godless dregs seeking spirituality are perfect fodder for the grand scheme of
the Muslim hard-line.
4.
YOU WILL NEED A JOB WHEN YOU GET OUT OF HERE: We all know the prison
population is not the most upwardly mobile bunch…what are they going to do when
you get out? It’s even a condition of your probation that you have a job. Why
not take an offer with a high profile international company, like Alqueda, who will be happy to change your
identity, send you back to
school, and is NOT going to hold your past against you?
5.
IGNORANCE AND LACK OF EDUCATION ARE A PLUS: There are not too many
Harvard alum in the Graybar motel right now…not because they don’t commit
crime…because they have the money to get out of it. Thus, leaving the prison
population a bunch of uneducated dregs that can
be easily influenced!
6. WE LOVE TO LOCK US BLACK FOLKS: A black man leads the nation of Islam. OK? Who are the terrorists? Islamic. I mean - Faricon IS an idiot, AND I doubt he’s involved in this shit, BUT you HAVE TO CONSIDER what I said in #5!
When I was locked up was when I first learned a lot about Osma Bin Laden, from reading his Newsweek cover story. Even back in 1999, he was the most wanted man in the world, I bet you didn’t know that. I remember, then saying, “God, what a dickhead…” only to immediately have to endure diatribes from some of the population’s more ignorant segments about how “He was a Hero…” and “Was Standing up to the United States…”…I wonder if on September 11th they were still saying the same thing? I’m sure all of them still didn’t mean it by then…but hey Osma…there’s you demographic – you’ve got the best shot with them! You’ll get them before the Baptists and the Catholics…and how did they get there? Drugs? Wait a minute I thought drugs funded terrorism? Maybe you guys are right! You just created and perpetuated your own problem, and now - it’s everybody’s problem! It’s too bad it doesn’t just further show what a bunch of stupid narrow-minded idiots you are!!
It’s
this kind of logic, that is so ingrained in the consciousness of the “powers
that be”, that will ultimately be our undoing. Yes, it’s a sad state of affairs
when I’M THE ONLY ONE MAKING
ANY SENSE. This shit has been going on for to long for you to stop it.
You want to destroy terrorist training camps? Start in your own backyard, stop
coping out that people’s past drug problems and the source of America current
terrorism problems, go out to the mailbox, and send yourself some anthrax
America- you deserve it!
For more information on great places to get locked up in Geogia,
please visit:
http://www.liquored-up.com/editorials/good_ole_boys.htm
http://www.liquored-up.com/editorials/bootcamp.htm
VISIT: http://www.liquored-up.com -
there's a ton of new awesome pranks up!
And see what's up at
http://www.dickd.com
today!!
If you've read this far, please flush a 20 dollar bill down the toilet!
Thanks, for your readership,
Jay (aka Dick)