Going to jail on acid

Dear Lord, on behalf of the offending members of the CJ Staff, I’d like to issue a public apology to the staff of the Royal Sonesta (especially Dan Perez for cleaning up my piss in the elevator), the people of New Orleans, the toilet in my hotel room, and anything or anyone else we destroyed, impregnated, or soiled in our 48 hour rampage through the French Quarter. As penance for our sins, I’m considering donating to a charity of some sort – perhaps one of those summer camps for mongoloid children. You know -- where they learn how to forage for berries and hunt wild boar, preparing for the inevitable day when they’re unceremoniously tossed roadside out the back hatch of an unmarked SUV and forced to live on the fringes of civilization. Yeah, I think I’d feel better about the new depths of perversion reached in New Orleans knowing that because of it, a couple more retards would be better equipped to handle life in the wild.

While I’m sworn to secrecy, prohibiting me from discussing the exact details of or participants in the festivities, I can’t resist mentioning the moral and hygienic lowpoint of the weekend which, incidentally, I envision as a potential successor to “teabagging” as the staple amusement activity for inebriated lowbrows everywhere: The Crappuccino.

The formula is a bit more complicated and unwieldy than the teabag, but the payoff is so very much sweeter. Take one clear plastic cup (use glass if you like, but be certain there are no chips around the rim), place the open end directly against your anus, crap into said cup, add a straw (feel free to embellish further -- whipped cream, olives, maraschino cherries, etc), and voila – One steaming hot grande Crappuccino to go. Now pose your friend, or soon-to-be enemy, in various Starbucks-esque positions with the cup and snap as many pictures as you can before the foul smell of fresh human feces awakens him.

Now run, because the Crappuccino is probably going airborn as soon as homeboy discovers it.

BY PAUL OF CONSUMPTION JUNCTION