Hey folks –The Southeast leg of Dick Delicious and the Tasty Testicles “World Travesty Tour” is over. In case you are wondering how it went, have to take a really long dump, or simply enjoy 4000+ typos and grammatical errors – here is a rundown of the whole debacle from my (Dick Delicious’s) perspective…
Saturday / Sunday 11/26-27: Prequel – Went to a Xmas party with Miss Norway. Wound up taking some acid, blacking out for 8 hours (which could have been the best 8 hours of my life). Woke up, it was dark; I didn’t know what day it was – there were naked girls strewn about the house. Found my iPhone; realized it was Sunday night. I hadn’t packed and was leaving in the morning; so much for getting any rest.
Monday 11/28 “Rehearsal” Day 1: – Made it to the LAX and arriving in ATL about 7PM. My bags showed up on the Delta belt (Delta = Don’t Expect Luggage To Arrive) 2 hours later. My weed-dealer / friend had been driving in circles around the airport for an hour; picked me up and took me straight to practice, but not before being pulled over by the police. Our “new” practice spot was in the bottom a shithole bar (The Gravity Pub) in East Atlanta. For reasons I can’t disclose, Jeff Hanneman from Slayer was in attendance. It might sound kinda gay, but I had to go upstairs and do a few shots to calm my nerves. Slayer is my favorite metal band of all time, “At Dawn They Sleep” is my favorite metal song of all time; so having him watch as we were trying to brush the dust off was a little intimidating. After a brief practice we went upstairs to drink, the band left after a while and met of with some other buddies and kept drinking till 5AM.
Tuesday 11/29 “Rehearsal” Day 2: – Highland Inn, ATL: Didn’t wake up till 6:30 PM.and straight to rehearsal. Jeff was (once again) in attendance, as well as a old ATL friends dropped by. Wound up power drinking with one. By the end of the night, something happened which thought would never happen: But I’m in no way complaining or giving more details. Somewhere in the fray, I lost my bag of weed.
Wednesday 12/1 “Rehearsal” Day 3:– Woke up very hung-over. We had to practice early because Gravity Pub was having a show that night. Had a really short practice, ran through the material we know once. After, I went friends house, ordered Chinese and watched “Sean of The Dead”.
Thursday 1/2 “Rehearsal” Day 4: – Found out last minute there was another show at The Gravity Pub, so we did another quickie rehearsal. Jeff Hanneman thought one of the riffs in “400$ Shuffle” was cool. Found out that none of the geniuses in the band had made any arrangements to rent a van for tour. I tried to do it online but all of the rental places were closed. Got pretty stressed, needed to get a drink, met my friend (with a fresh bag of weed) out at The Righteous Room. Ran into some kid who was clearly a huge DDTT fan. He was really fucked up and had biggest bag a valiums I’d ever seen. He gave a handful and offered me some cheese dip with cigarette butts in it that wasn’t his – unknowingly; my buddy ate some of the cheese dip. Gross.
Friday 2/2 – Day 1: Spartanburg, SC @ Ground Zero:That morning, did I manage to track down a van? Yes. Do we need a manager? Double yes!! Loaded up the gear and got on the road to Ground Zero in Spartanburg, SC running late as hell. Apparently, Ground Zero was having some kind of problem with the liquor license (which is pretty common in the backwards-ass Bible Belt) They our show to a “private party” which meant 3 bands and all booze you can drink for 20$. Constance X, Jeff, and the girl that was helping with merch rode up separately and actually beat us there. By the time we arrived there was already a decent crowd. We got free booze, which we took full advantage of. We were playing second of three bands and went on about midnight. Jeff Hanneman was nice enough to introduce the band, which may have been the highlight of our “career”. The set was drunk, loose, and 2 hours long. We played (or tried to play) ever song we’d been “rehearsing”. We aren’t organized enough to write a setlist and just pretty much winged the song order by asking the crowd what vile subject they’d like to hear about next. A couple more days of practice would have probably done us some good, but not bad for a first show. As we broke down our gear, I thought some girl had stolen one of my rings off stage, wound up accusing the girl, and finding my ring in my guitar case 10 minutes later. The crowd reaction was great. Luckily for us they were so drunk they couldn’t notice all the mistakes. Sold a good bit of shirts and CDs and made OK money. Stuck around and watched 6 Shot Revival and continued drinking – didn’t get back on the road till 4:30. Our drummer doesn’t drink as much as the rest of the band, so it’s a kind of unwritten rule in DDTT that he drives after shows. Hugh G. Rection and I have never performed a sober show in our 19 years together. Stu Pisasso got 10 minutes out of Spartanburg when he said “he was too tired to keep going”. Foolishly, I wound up volunteering to take the wheel with a 3.0 BAC. It was one of the drunkest / stupidest / white-knuckle things I’ve done in a while. If you drive 210 miles drunk late enough, the cops aren’t really looking for you. Got back to ATL at dawn.
Saturday 2/3 – Day 2: Atlanta, GA @ Gravity Pub: Slept most of the day, I looked on our FaceBook page and every one of our fans from the night before new default picture was them standing there with Jeff from Slayer. Thanks all-you-can drink booze, feedback about the show was really positive. We were playing ATL with Troatpunch “heading-lining” (we always try to NOT BE the last band, 2nd to last time slot is always prime). Constance joked that they need to invent “the perfect amount of alcohol” Hugh and I could still be funny and play. Whatever that amount of alcohol is, we hit it that night in ATL. It was the best show DDTT has played in Atlanta since the band reformed. We used the “no setlist / fly by the seat of your pants song order” to great effect. Highlight of the night is when Constance X did a “makeout solo” with Jeff from SLAYER before we played “Good Lovin’ Gone Brown”. The place was packed, saw a lot of people we hadn’t seen in ages – it was a good fucking night. Jeff joked that he should have made a up a t-shirt that says “No I Won’t Do A Shot With You” because he’d done something like 50 the night before with all of the Slayer fans. Jeff if really cool to the fans that approached both nights, I mean – he’s only the guy who wrote REIGN IN BLOOD for Christ’s sake! He’s earned the right to be a dick, but isn’t. We should have been paid more considering the number of people there though.
Sunday 2/4 – Day 3: Chattanooga, TN @ Ziggys:Chattanooga is less than 2 hours from ATL. In our 19 years of being a band we’ve never there. Now I know why. The place we were playing was just a backroom behind liquor store with a stage and no PA. The opening band (Uncle Touchy) supplied the PA and was ok. After that, some stupid emo/ goth band played so we went into the liquor store and drank beer with Jeff. During the middle of their set, the dumb-fat-goth-face-paint-double-chin singer opened the door to the bar, and screamed at us “Is this where all of the cool kids are room?” As we were setting up to play we couldn’t find Constance’s gig bag, so we accused the Goth band of stealing it, only to find it 10-minutes later. By the time we went on there were about 4 people left and the PA we feeding back so horrifically it was dubbed “the 5th member of the band”. We switched the lyrics of a bunch of our songs to things like “I Wish I Was A Feedback” and “I Want To Kill The Feedback Peas”. The only reason the guys stuck around to get his PA back. It was the low point of the tour for sure. At least 25% of your audience was a member of SLAYER!! Not many bands can say that. Drove back to ATL after the “show”.
Monday 2/5 – Day 4: Fort Walton Beach, FL @ Coasters: After the debacle in Chattanooga, we weren’t even sure if Constance X would come on the rest of the tour, but she got in that van and we hit the road. The Enterprise cargo van didn’t have a decent stereo system, so we passed the time by telling 6 hours of racist jokes. We’d been playing Ft. Walton for years. There is a great scene there. This show was no exception. One of the bands we played with (EscapeGoat) is damn good. The show was pretty packed and the there were a few mosh pits. We brought down the house with “All Cops Are Dicks”. We even got paid pretty well. During load out we realized we lost our box of new CDs, accused the other band of taking them, but they never turned up. The rest of the guys went and bought some coke. I didn’t partake that night and got to sleep around 5AM while Stu and Hugh got cracked out till 8 in the morning.
Wednesday 2/7 – Day 6: Dallas Texas @ The Ranch:Oddly enough, we’d be playing Dimebag Darrell’s hometown on the anniversary of his death. Dimebag and John Lennon were shot on this day — where’s ‘Lil Wayne? Anyhoo…This date was originally supposed to be a day off in New Orleans but just a few days before the show a promoter contacted us on our Facebook page and booked us for a $250 guarantee (the highest of the entire tour). We woke up in New Orleans thoroughly hung-over and made the 10 hour drive to Dallas in about 7 hours, thanks to the expert speeding skills of Stu Pisasso and a radar detector. Once we got to the bar it was kind of like stepping into the Twilight Zone. It was a big-ass place with a killer PA that kinda’ reminded me of a strip club just without strippers – they even had the DJ making the cheesy announcements every 10 minutes in that strip club voice and 3$ steaks. Our box of CDs we’d had next-dayed (very expensively) had made there. Eric from Speeddealer and a buddy of mine from high school came out and met us. Both of which told us “they had never heard of the place”. We were playing with “Wiskey Dick” who is a pretty good Texas Tenacious D hellbilly. We played a good tight, Addorall fueled set. One of the guys from the band “Hell Yeah” was in the audience. I heard he liked it. The place was so huge, I guess there were more people there than I thought because we got paid our full guarantee. Wound up crashing at Eric from SpeedDealers dad’s house (who was a super-cool old biker / truck driver guy). Eric made some vodka and grapefruit juice that were strong as hell. We sat around talking shit till I lost my voice around dawn. I think I might have gotten up in the middle of the night and peed on the front door – if that’s the case, sorry about that.
Thursday 12/8 – Day 7: Austin, TX @ Headhunters: Wake up drunk as hell and get in the van. The cold Texas weather, weeks of non-stop partying, and screaming had taken it’s toll– my voice was really shot-out. Spent the van ride “eating quiet soup” hoping my voice would recover. We pulled into Austin, up to the club, and standing right in front of it on the sidewalk was one of my other heroes of time: Billy Millano (from S.O.D. / M.O.D. fame). Winds up, he knows our drummer and invited him into a pizza place to catch up. We sat n listening to him go off about how we shouldn’t be playing Headhunters (I guess he used to work there), how we should just take our equipment the bar across the street and ask them to play, and a virtual hilarious smorgasbord of anti-semetic, racist, anti-government, and conspiracy theories that were completely hilarious and 100% Billy Milano. I never mark out to celebrities, but this was Billy Fuckin’ Milano: The man, without whom – there would probably not be any Dick Delicious and the Tasty Testicles. After I heard “Speak English or Die” my life was never the same. I wanted to get a picture with him for our FB page, so he I told him I was a long-time fan and he told me that I “was a douche” and reluctantly took the picture. Heradhunters was so small we couldn’t even load in our gear so we drove over to my boy Josh’s house to kill some time. I know Josh from my day gig in the porn industry. Josh had been one of the brains behind the Fleshlight. When we got to his place he wanted to show me his next invention – which is pretty much a bong melded with a nitrous cracker. Apparently, I was only the second person to try it. So basically, you fill the bong with smoke, and then crack the whip-it and it blows the whole bong-hit and nitrous canister into you lungs in one shot. Josh didn’t have a name for it yet, but I suggested he should call it “The Next Level” (aka I know you’ve been stoned, but have you gone to “the next level”) – because Stu and I did a few hits and I was more baked than I’d ever been in my life. We drank a few beers and headed back over to Heradhunters. The opening band was a pretty cool two-piece band named “Whore Hole” whom I liked quite a bit. They gave me their CD and I actually listened to it instead of using for a drink coaster. Minutes before we went on, I was trying to talk to Constance and my voice was so raspy that she asked, “Is that all you got?”, then went over to the bar and got me “The Cure” which is apparently 3 shots of Jack Daniels (which I’ve never been a fan of). By the time we played the club was pretty much packed, my voice had returned 100%, and we ripped. By the last song, which happened to be “Masturbating For A Brighter Tomorrow” by our “no set-list–set-list” we drug out into a Freebird duel guitar action that was pretty fucking sick. I don’t know if it was the whiskey, the Adderall, or “The Next Level” but by the end of the set I was pulling some seriously crazy Ynywie-Van-Via licks out of my ass I didn’t even know I could play. Unbeknownst to me, Billy Milano and Blaine Cartwright (Nashville Pussy) were both in the crowd.. After the gig, I looked at my phone and read a text from Blaine that “Dick Delicious wins the Blaine Cartwright award for most improved band” – he had liked us before, so that was a real compliment. Backstage, Billy Milano had totally become much friendlier that he was earlier. Billy told us he really enjoyed the show and pointed out “the one asshole we’d have to chase around to get our money”, which I did actually wind up having to do. When I found him were he grudgingly paid us 60$, which was a total rip-off considering the attendance. When I got back out of the office, Billy asked how it went, I told him we got paid 150$ which seemed to make him happy. “Good cause you guy deserved it.” Before he ran off the street to beat somebody up. It was bananas. Then it was back to Josh’s for the afterparty. Some guy came up to me and gave me a huge bag of white powder to snort, which wound up being Molly. I could guess by how I was suddenly rolling my face off. By the end of the night I’d ingested molly, cocaine, Adderall, weed, nitrus, Xanax, more weed, and I might even be leaving out a few suspicious substances, but I’ve you’ve read this far: You get the point – Austin, TX ROCKS!
Friday 12/9 Houston, TX @ Mangos:Woke up in Austin still high and drunk, actually I’m not sure that I’d slept at all. Made the drive to Houston and went to the club we’d be playing at (which doubled a Vegan restaurant/bar) that wasn’t open yet, but one of our fans was already in the parking lot. I hate Vegan food, but they had one of the most fantastic taco trucks ever right next door. I ate so many tacos I slipped into a “taco coma” in the front seat of the van. Before being woke up several times by the kid in the parking lot to telling me how much Houston sucked and how this band “Scratch Acid” was playing down the street and was huge (even though I’ve never heard of them) and would kill our draw. My boy CT (who is Josh’s old Fleshlight partner in crime) came by the club (which still hadn’t opened at 8:30 PM) and gave me 4 Adderall. By the time they opened the doors the turnout was OK, not awesome and not band. The first band was so crappy they were good. The next band “We Were Wolves” I liked quite a bit. By boy EZ from The El Camino’s showed up with a care package (a couple cases a beer) – we played a decent set to a decent crowd. It wasn’t the glory of Austin, but it was OK. Went to get paid after the show and the Vegan Assholes at Mango’s informed us we’d made 0$ because all of the money went to the soundman. He must have been the most expensive soundman on Earth. My boy CT turned up with a few hot chicks and we went back to his house for another afterparty. Ingested pretty much the same diet of suspicious substances as the night before. Went to “bed” about 1PM just as the rest of the band was getting ready to leave. Fell asleep for a few minutes, had a dream about, or actually did piss on some golf clubs…not sure – if so, I apologize profusely. Note to self: When booking Texas tours never play Josh’s and CT’s cities back-to-back, it’s damn near suicidal.
Saturday 12/10 – San Antonio, TX @ Zombies– When we were booking the tour Constance X said we should just skip San Antonio because it “always sucked”, but as the days up to the show drew closer we knew there was a decent buzz goin: the local paper had written a really good article about us, Brutal Brandy was coming out from The Gauntlet to shoot an interview with us. Possible problem: We were also playing up against “As I Lay Dying” (As I Gay Dying) and some Black MetalFest with a bunch of bands who were “so evil you can’t read our name”. The bar was a super cool metal bar, the owner was super-friendly and not stingy at all with the free drinks. We got set up, took some Adderall and started drinking . My voice was getting pretty shot-out again. Fortunately, I had I shot of Jack Daniels being served to me by the owner approximately every 10 minutes. The first band was a bad Venom-type band that was so terrible they were almost decent, the second band was some kind of emo/screamo shit that was atrocious, and then we went up. I knew I only had to pull it off one more show out of my ass. The crowd was getting pretty big by this point. We went onstage and killed it. It was probably the best show of the whole tour – the crowd clearly loved it, the owner of the club brought of tray after tray of Jack Daniels to the stage while we were playing, Brutal Brandy got so drunk that she passed out in her car, so much for that interview! We played from 11:30PM till last call, sold a decent amount of merch, got a TON of free booze, and even got paid decently. I really enjoyed San Antonio and Zombies. So much for Constance’s mantra “San Antonio always sucks”. A longtime friend of Nashville Pussy named “Garbage” volunteered his Dad’s house as a crash pad for the band. As soon as I laid down on the couch, I slipped directly into a much needed coma and didn’t pee on anything.
Sunday 12/11 – Trip Home– Woke up about 10 PM. Constance and I both needed to head to the airport bound to Cali and Hugh and Stu needed to drive back to the ATL in the van. I gave Hugh and Stu 100$ for gas back. We pulled our stuff out of the van – taped my suitcase back together with some packing tape. By this time I’d been wearing pretty much the same clothes since New Orleans and hadn’t taken a shower, I felt real bad for whoever was gonna be stuck sitting next to me on the plane.
EPILOUGE – I had been keeping track of how much money was coming in and going out on my iPhone each day. We were basically up about 140$ after all of the shows (that’s if you don’t minus the 200$ or so we’d spent Fedexing merch around, meals, drinks, and err) – well, never mind that – I want this is 4000 word story to have a semi-happy financial ending. Clearly we aren’t doing this for the $$$! All and all, pretty much every show was worth playing, except for Chattanooga and even that was fun in it’s own weird way. The band got along instead of trying to kill each other, the turnout for most of the shows was way better than we’d expected, nobody died, nobody or got arrested.
So, in the end tour: We’d played an unlicensed bar in South Carolina, a basement of a bar in Atlanta, the backroom of a liquor store in Tennessee, a sports bar at a small town in Florida, a punk bar in New Orleans, a strip club with no strippers in Dallas, a Tiki bar in Austin, a vegan restaurant in Houston, and a rockin’ metal bar in San Antonio.
It may seem like a bands humble beginnings, but it was my favorite tour in the 19 years history of Dick Delicious and The Tasty Testicles.
West Coast: THIS SPRING – YOU GUYS ARE NEXT!