PRESS RELEASE 10/14/2002
VISIT: WWW.LIQUORED-UP.COM | WWW.DICKDELICIOUS.COM
UPCOMING ATLANTA SHOW: This Friday, October 25th we will be playing one of our infrequent Atlanta shows. It will be at Nine Lives Saloon (where else?) in Little Five Points. The Awesome GAURDY LOO from Tampa will be on the bill with us. We don't play the ATL that often, because playing your own town every week is lame and gay. Come out and get fucked up with us (OR YOU ARE GAY TOO)!
Oh My God, We Have Someone Booking Us!! For the first time in Ten Years, after years of doing disorganized DIY tours, getting shows booked by local drug dealers / strippers / fans, and getting shows in about every other clandestine method possible…A PROFESSIONAL BOOKING AGENCY HAS AGREED TO WORK WITH US and they have a great plan that we really hadn't considered up to this point…MAKING SOME FUCKING MONEY (and they have a fucking FAX MACHINE, that's right - a god damned muther fucking FAX MACHINE - many contracts will be sent, large sums of money shall be agreed to be paid, and we will have FAXES to back it up, because we have gone pro, and they have a god damned muther fucking FAX MACHINE - THAT'S RIGHT NIGGA!!) - which brings us around to our next point of business…
We Are Going Back Old School: 1st Question we hear arriving in most towns? "Hey man, did you guys bring strippers with you?" or "Are you wearing Ski Masks and throwing pornography?" - well the answer to those questions from now on will be "Yes…" - Why? Cause we will PAY the girls to be there, and the Atlanta XCietement is FREE! How? We'll get paid more. Because? Our booking agent gets 15%, and he's a greedy bastard! We never had reliable girls to come out with us because we would never make money on the road (despite anything you might think). Those old shows were fun as hell, but were expensive, and usually left us in the hole. If we ever could do the whole show and have girls on the road, it was by sheer good looks and luck alone. See, it's a simple question of economics:
A Normal Strippers Budget
A Night At A Titty Bar Income = $350
Minus That Night's Drinks ($88.00) = $262
Minus Nightly Cocaine ($140.00) = $122
Post Work Whiskey and Beer ($23.45) = $98.55
Covering Boyfriend's Rent ($250.00) = $- 151.45
Then you need to multiply that by 3 for the every other day of work she misses from being hungover, and thus - we have a typical stripper's financial state of affairs.
A Dick Delicious Stripper's Budget (Pre-Use-Having-A-Real-Agent)
Night At A Dick D Show Income = $0
Fist Few Drinks (FREE) = $0
Minus That Night's Drinks ($78.00) = $-78.00
Minus After Show Blowski ($240.00) = $-318.00
Post Show Jaugermiester ($??.??) = $ Blackout and Lose Purse
Now multiply this my several weeks, and you'll begin to see the problem. You can see why she would rather stay home and work than hemorrhage cash with us!
And, in the interest of not poking too much fun at strippers, let me also show you how good I am at this stuff:
A Dick Delicious Show Budget (Pre-Use-Having-A-Real-Agent)
Night At A Dick D Show Income = $150.00
Bar Tab ($70) = $70.00 (they gave us a break too)
4 Hits of X ($80) = $80.00
Gas Money and Hotels ($100 +) = Well at least we got some free X!
Now this brings us to our next order of business:
DICK
DELICIOUS DANCER CASTING CALL
We're taking the whole show back to our roots; however we need to hire the necessary talent to do it. Are you a dancer, or just are hot teenage Britney Spears look-alike dreaming of a chance to meet the band, and would you like be onstage with us? Are you bored of doing the same boring shit night after night in your hometown? Have you ever wanted to travel to such exotic destinations as Ft. Walton Beach, Florida , New Jersey, or Spartenburg, SC? Maybe, you would like to join us on the road for a minute. You do not even need to get totally naked - we just need scantily clad females to perform in our shows - it's actually a lot of fun. Now we'll be making (faxes will be sent and everything) sure that everyone gets paid! It's like a free vacation! We are not just looking for girls in Atlanta, the more out-of-town hookups we have the better off we are (we gotta' have hoe in different area codes).
Talent that is interested should get hold of me at:
jayq@attbi.com
404-377-0335
A FEW GOOD OLD PICS:
http://www.dickd.com/gz.gif
http://www.dickd.com/newpics2/pages/Pc300023.htm
http://www.dickd.com/01_bendover.jpg
http://www.dickd.com/34_rockout.jpg
New CD In The Works: Most of the material has been written for the 4th Deck Delicious and the Tasty Testicles release "When Strippers Attack". Recording should begin before Christmas, with a scheduled early spring release. New classics shall include such faves as "Groupies Make the World Go 'Round", "Kentucky Fried Humans", "Pimpin' Sheep, Eating Xanax, and Spewing Forth Cultural Intolerance", "I Use Drugs: and many more toe tapping hits.
We're Way Bigger In Austria - The professional promotion department here at We Finally Put This Shit Out Ourselves Records sent some requested CDs off to 947 The Pulse in Victoria Australia. Apparently we have become Australia's answer to Papa Roach as is explained by station director Tills Stemhead:
"Usually we get a call from a guy called Artee who requests most of your songs as he is our most regular listener. His favorite song is Last Man in The Gang Bang. Another guy, Mick who is now starting to play your stuff on his show, Underground Thunder, which is on in about 5 hours time (at 1AM). He is a big Ozzy fan so his favourite songs are Bark At The Moon and Big Stinky Pussies. Some of your songs have been used as dedications (example, all your diarrhea songs in a bracket dedicated to a guy who had the shits one night). I try and get in at least 3 songs a week. When you first sent me the CDs, we did a 1-hour special on you guys playing about 17 songs. Then you hit it on from then on. Death by Miniature Golf got played a few weeks ago on the Death Metal show Dark Euphoria just before our show. Our show, as you know, is called "It's All About The Rock", on Sundays. The show following us is a Christian show. We have been known to use your Beverly Hills tune as fill-in music. Sounds funny on air going from one of your songs into a flat out Christian show. As for me, I can't find a favourite song as I like 'em all."
I can see our SOUNDSCAN shooting up like River Phoenix at the Viper Club, as we speak!!
THIS NEWLETTER'S FEATURED LYRICAL GENIOUS - We've been trying to get all of the lyrics up on the site; we receive many requests for them. A good way to make sure that I do this, will to feature some every time I send this crap out. This issue's feature is "I Use Drugs", which will be on our next CD:
I USE DRUGS
I Use Drugs I use drugs, I drink G by the bucket
Took 5 Viagra and overdosed on fuckin'
I eat pills to enhance my life
Or as an excuse to black out and beat my wife
I sell drugs to increase my income Call 377-0... if you want some
So if you need em' you'll call me quick
And I'll answer the phone if I can get my girl off my dick
Took So much acid labeled legally insane
Hot bitches know I trade dick for cocaine
And reality is for people that can't handle drugs
So fuck sayin' "no" and fuck giving hugs
And what I'm telling you is fact not fiction
Well known for my cocaine addiction
So cut me another rail I use drugs mutha fucker I don't fail!
LSD helps me meditate and masturbate
I took to many roofies and wound up gettin' date raped
But wait, I got steroids to stay in shape
I took to many Xanex I'm always sleeping late - great
Damn now I just lost my job
Now I got all day to be a useless fuckin' slob
Watch TV and hit the bong
I smoke more weed than Cheech and fuckin' Chong
That's how I'm livin' - ain't no forgivin'
A lot of people thought I'd spend my whole life in prison
But That wouldn't stop me I'd sell drugs there
Kill a guard and get sent to the chair
Electricity surges my body filled with dope
And all of Deathrow gets high from the smoke
Relapses and goes to rehab to cope
I use drugs muther fucker it ain't no joke!
I love usin' drugs yo that shit is fun
You'll see how I ruined my career on VH1
I'm always gettin' busted - you can't ignore me
I once fucked all the spice girls in a backstage orgy
And I did, now Posh and Scary have my kids
Gave Sporty the crabs, now she's lookin' for some Rid
And baby got fat from gobbling the goo of my gland
Ginger got so strung out she had to quit the band
Prescription of street it makes no difference
I take enough valium to keep Pfizer in business
I speed ball with crystal methane and cocaine
Mix it up with smack and send it straight to the vein
Go out to the club to start pickin' up chicks
Start convulsing on the floor like Rive fucking Phoenix
Go to probation and never take a clean piss
I use drugs mutha fucker - I mean this!!
HEY FANS OF EXCESS:
Operation Asparagus is coming! What is Operation Asparagus? It's too long to
be explained here, but you can visit the Official Operation Asparagus website
for more information:
www.operationasparagus.com (New!)
Probably the greatest day of my entire life, story by Paul of www.consumptionjunction.com
- details of Operation Asparagus Mexico:
www.liquored-up.com/operation_asparagus/index.html
Past Operation Asparagus Tales:
www.dickd.com/editorial.html
Lastly, till next time please never forget:
The elephant of untruthfulness brings desert mollusks of financial despair
To those who regurgitate the crimes of our ancestors
The prune of darkness brings forth great overtures of penguins
The minions of trout shall know no boundaries
The sardonic clam of irony brings forth an ill begotten veil of sadomasochistic
terror and fondue
As when the weed whacker of dawn breaks the din of knitting
Those seeking shelter and mangos
Shall be besieged with gnashing jaws of tulips
VISIT OUR WEBSITES:
Dick Delicious and the Tasty Testicles
http://www.dickd.com
Official Operation Asparagus Website:
http://www.operationasparagus.com
Liquored Up
http://www.liquored-up.com
Jay's XXX Links
http://www.jays-xxx-links.com
Thanks for your readership,
Jay
