PRESS RELEASE 3/4/2003
The Secret Fraternal Order of UpperDecker Leavers Local #2
I've been looking at a bunch of other band's web sites, and I started seeing that everybody; I mean everybody, had a fucking "Street Team". Now major artists with the backing of large faceless music marketing megadollars are out asking for grass roots support for their artists!? LIKE THEY GOD DAMN NEED IT? THEY KEEP SAYING THE MUSIC BUSINESS IS IN TROUBLE…WELL FUCK 'EM! TO QUOTE ONE ONE OF IT'S HOTTEST NEW EXPORTS, JUSTIN LIMBERCOCK…"CRY ME A FUCKING RIVER"!! Well, I haven't picked much cotton, but who am I not to recognize the power of *FREE LABOR*? Who are we not to try to harness the energy of our fans while the music industry is busy trying to unearth the next Creed or Jimmy Eats World?
A few weeks ago (with little fanfare), I quietly placed the link to the new "Street Team Section" on our site. I was almost kind of embarrassed about it, but I was surprised how many people signed up over the next few days. It was pretty fuckin' cool. It was people from all over the place that wanted to help out. I could see visions of a new "Punk Rock Underground Railroad" opening up to help us with of mission of corrupting this county's youth and sending society into an immoral tailspin. Instead of calling this a "street team" (which is kind of lame) - I decided to call ours "The Secret Fraternal Order of UpperDecker Leavers Local #2". It took me a minute to think of that one, but it was not far behind the "The Dick Delicious Smallpox Dispensing Suicide Bomb Squad", "Dick Delicious Pepper Spray Testers Inc" and "The Dick D Hepatitis C G's".
For those of you who don't know what an UpperDecker is, allow me to elaborate:
AN UPPERDECKER (.n) - an act of revenge by which you take the lid off a toilet tank, pinch a loaf in the talk, and put the lid back on.
This is a very awesome power that should be reserved for only the most extreme acts of revenge! This should only be used when all other forms of negotiation have broken down, and punishment must be swift and brutal. DO NOT WIELD THIS POWER LIGHTLY! While it is a lot of fun to know that someone will be contemplating why the toilet water that has been brown for a week, wondering the stench would not lift, and this coupled with the eventuality that they would soon be fishing out your *moon nuggets*…DO NOT FALL VICTIM TO TEMTATION! DO NOT FALL PREY TO THE DARKSIDE OF THE UPPERDECKER! At this time, I also much confess that I have abused this mighty power myself in the past. Music stores were UpperDeckered for the overpriced guitar strings, gas stations were UpperDeckered because gas was a penny cheaper on the other side of the road, restaurants that served decent meals were UpperDecked for NO REASON AT ALL! The only places that really deserved what they got were the clubs that stiffed us and the hotels that ran us out of our rooms before noon! Even then, the person that will be most likely doing the dirty work will not be your intended target, but such is the nature of terrorism. By overdoing it, dropping an UpperDecker would become and *empty gesture* and will loose all of it's inherent power!! But, I digress…
