A Look Back At 10 Years in Dick Delicious (2002)


"In the Beginning, God created the Heavens and the stars, and with one
swift movement of his finger across the horizon, the Earth was born.Through
millions of years the Earth was in disarray. The Precambrian error brought about
the first signs of life, followed by the Jurassic age and the rise of the dinosaur,
Millions of Millennia pass, new species are born and experience life with great
relish, and then as quickly as they came to existence, they pass into the great
void known as extinction. Soon the first semblance of man (Zinzanthopus) arises
in the Old Duvai gorge. Beijing man is bestowed the gift of fire from Prometheus
the Titan, soon the Gods of Olympus rise punishing Prothemeus for his betrayal
by driving a stake through his torso imbedding him into the Scythian cliffs
with vultures ripping at his liver. Then, after eight years of Reaganomics,
once again, God raised his lofty hand to the heavens to create, dare I say,
his masterwork, four raging wanton stallions, hither to known to the people
of these parts as the almighty, riveting, testosterone laden, shower knob masturbation
fantasies of all women including dykes, lesbians, and clam lappers, the majestic
Dick Delicious and the Tasty Testicles, as they came into their magnificent
being." – Hugh G. Rection 1998

I must admit, when trying to write the press release for the Dick
Delicious of Year Anniversary, I was suffering from a good case of writers block.
I mean, I’m not sure weather to be happy about this or not – for once, I really
didn’t know what to spout off about. Then I was looking at our guestbook when
I realized that someone else had already summed it up perfectly already:

“DDTT rule! i love you guys! you guys are so CRAZY! it must
be really hard to maintain a 14 yr old mentality when your all in your late
30’s!! after a decade the joke is still sooo fresh!”

That pretty much nails it on the head, except it’s “early
30’s” and not “late 30’s" man!! It’s 10 years
later and we aren’t as famous as are friends were telling us we would be
after we’d fed them line after line of cocaine at 6 in the morning after attending
on of our shows. In all of that time, we’ve progressed by not progressing.
We wouldn’t want to dis’ our cult following by wimping out and getting
successful! I would lose way too much sleep over that! That’s why we’ve
never steered clear of the "songs about poop, farts, drugs, and bodily
functions" formula that first made us almost famous.


It does not seem like it’s been over ten years since the
summer of Nine-Duce…the sounds of Pearl Jam, Soundgarden and Color Me Bad
filled the air. Hair metal was gasping it’s last dying breath, and the
Olsen twins were but 6. Can you remember the days when Amy Fisher was still
boneable and OJ wouldn’t be hacking crackers into minced tender barbeque
for almost 2 years? I barely can. I was 20 years old when introduced to my partner-in-crime-to-be,
Hugh G. Rection. After much drinking, drug taking, and titty bar patronizing…we
had the idea: To start a band with funny lyrics that could actually play.

It was a start, there were still blanks left to fill in…the
whole thing hadn’t come together yet…AND THEN:

In a fateful 2 day bender in the early summer of ’92: we
bungee jumped, dropped a few hits of LSD, got piss drunk, picked up Big Haired
metal sluts at Charlie Magruder’s, walked around the complex in snow ski
gear on a 90 degree day seeking the local sheep pimp, went back to bungee jump
again on the 2nd day while still tripping, and then went out to the local Mexican
place for a “bowl of farts and a pitcher of personality” when we struck
upon the genius "poop, drugs, and pussy" concept that would become
Dick Delicious and the Tasty Testicles. Sitting at the table with us, drinking
margaritas was some guy who had been crashing on Hugh’s couch for the last
few weeks. He became our first drummer.

FAST FORWARD TO JULY 2002 >>> It’s 10 years later,
and for those of you who are keeping score at home; here is the vital statistics
of what a 10-year run in the “music business” will get you:

# Of CDs out: 3
# Of Gigs: Too many to count

# Of Record Deals: 0
# of Arrests While on Tour: 3
# Have crapped our touring vehicles: 7
# Of Groupies: Never Enough
# of Protests at Shows: 3
# of Times on “Real Stories of the Highway Patrol”: 1

# of Times El Duce Has Had a “Goldden Shower” at one of our places:
# of Managers: 3
% Of Liver Killed: Off the Chart
Accrued Jail Time: 7 or 8 months.
Amount of Drugs Consumed: (see “Amount of money made”)

Amount of money made: minus I don’t even want to think of it
Average Age of a DDTT Member: 32
Average tenure from a Dick Delicious drummer: 10 Months
# Of Drummers 11 (see below):

Dick Delicious and the Tasty Testicles Drummers (1992-2002)

Harry Scrotum (Mike Burdette) – 1992 – Also known
in some circles as “stinky” is distinctive for his appalling smell.

Phil A. Cunt – (Dave Smail) – 1992-1993 – Only loves
in the world were pulling’ one out, porn, ass eating, weed, and coke.
Decided to leave the band to pursue a “serious” project.

Colonel Lingus – (Mikey Duwyer) – 1993 – “Marvelous
Mike Duwer”, hailing from the booming metropolis of Ridgeland, South
Carolina. Nice guy, had the rhythm of a one armed broken footed white man.
Fell victim to a 20$ a day Taco addiction at El Taco Veloz.

Rob Banks – (Scott Bruce) – 1995-1996 – Drummer on
the first Dick D release, stone deaf, raging alcoholic, thought we should
sound more like Rush. We pissed his wife off really bad by drawing swastikas
on the family’s Dalmatian mutt with a sharpie. Refused to tour for “less
that $1,500 a week’…

Phil A. Cunt (2nd return of Phil the Bitch) – 1996-1997
– After an unsuccessful career in “serious” music returned
to the band and promised, “not to flake out…”

Homer Sexual – 1994 (Kelly Sanford) – After Phil doesn’t
“flake out”. Homer Sexual – also known as “Kelly Sanford
of the drums” from Super X13 sat in on some live shows and studio stuff.

Harden Long – 1997 – (Rick Surley) – Originally
our booking agent, we never met him in person till our first show with him
in Jacksonville, FLA when he offered to fill in when Phil “did not flake
out”. Beacme a catholic priest after decideing that the band wasn’t decadant

Jay (Can’t remember his stage name) – 1997-1998 –
Had his front tooth knocked out by a bungee cord while loading the truck after
his first show. Quit band because of a lack of a dental plan for it’s drummers.

Chaz Chizler – (Eric Falc) 1998-2000 – The master
of drum overplaying, he have been gay because he couldn’t play a straight
beat to save his life. Fell victim to addiction to hair care products.

Busta Hymen – (Cary Sultan) 2001 – 2002 – Recruited
from Columbia, SC when we had exhausted the Atlanta supply of drummers. The
best and the blackest of all Dick D drummers, he took our on stage banter
about fried chicken, crack, and white women to a new high. Was unable to escape
the addictive fast nightlife of Columbia, SC and its premier doublewide titty
club, Bottoms Up.

Les Winin’ – (JB) 2002 – As his moniker implies,
is marked by intensive whining, Les thinks the best band on Earth is, the
incredibly shitty, Cryptopsy and is brutally thrashed by Hugh and Dick with
ruthless “gay” comments. Will probably only be playing with us for
a few more day.

Stu-Pidasso – Current


Author: Dick Delicious

I'm the singer / guitarsist / do everything guy for this rag tag outfit. It's glorious!

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